Life as a middle child

In an attempt to fire up the troops (and to interact with actual people) I sent this email to my bro and sister about our upcoming date with destiny (and to further prove Im not a unibomber shut-in) I'd be pathetic and publish it to the web for cheap laughs. Go fuck yourselves. you know you were thinking it, I had to say it. Alright- ENOUGH IS ENOUGH read on



Simone,

As you’re probably aware, you’re graduation is coming up. (Id be more
amused if you weren’t but anyway) That being said, it appears we will,
in fact be joining in the festivities. And by “joining in the
festivities” I really mean coming to get wasted. There’s no better
way to celebrate (see also: mourn, irish wake) the move to the real
world then by getting absolutely annihilated drunk. Seeing as we will
be in a 10 mile radius of Frat Brah u.s.a. (aka a college campus of
any size or status) we will be required to partay as such:
1. 8 foot table (or just a long surface; one of ur monster bros isn’t
opposed to breaking a door off the hinges if failure to comply)
2. 20 Solo cups
3. Ping pong balls (I think ya know where I’m going with this one!)
4. The best (as surveyed by you of course) local brewing company
-side note= best must take into account: taste/price/bang for the buck
(so most beer for cheapest price)
5. Where the college coeds go to the bar at (a place where I can
wear my v-neck, order a JAEGA BOMB and drunkenly hit on 19 year olds
is preferred but not mandatory)
6. the name of the best (in walking distance) late night food place..i
didnt get this size by eating just 3 meals a day after all
- unless of course you would like to join me in the dui club! (any
takers? no? *crickets chirp*) dammit, worth a shot

Oh yeah, get use to me “accidently” calling you “bro”…sis doesn’t
quite have as great a ring to it, after all and well..its part of my
lexicon. The goal for the night: forget how much the real world truly
sucks by partying it up undergrad style! Bonus points will be rewarded
if: we run into any cousin/relative. Those bonus points will be
doubled if said relative joins us (with all lost if its Danny the
mountain man who hasn’t interacted with women other than his mother
and sister in the five fuckin years hes spent as a college junior) and
tripled if they are Dan the father (like what I did there with the
biblical reference) and or mother. Also…Well I’ve probably
overwhelmed you for now, Ill give ya some time, take all this in, and
prepare to have the best (and or possibly worst)time you won’t fully
remember. That is all..(15 days, 5 hours, 22 seconds and counting)

p.s. do you still have those "vases" that were "left by the previous
renters"?(*nudge wink*)