The brain is a wonderful thing to waste

I’ve come to the conclusion that the more I learn in this world, the less I remember. I’d say this was unfortunate, but without spell check I wouldn’t know how to spell “unfortunate”, so I’m moving on, sans my emotional reaction. (no homo) I really feel like my brain operates as a rolodex; unlike the normal brain, which attempts to keep pertinent information mixed in with useless trivia facts, the operators of the rolodex in my head said “fuck it, this shit blows..throw it out!” So don’t attempt to engage me on anything “scholarly”..it ain’t happenin’ (apparently im a southerner now too) Sure I can give you a bullshit reaction to any political argument (usually punctuated with a “I vote democratic” for full effect), but if you truly try to engage me on said topic (which, judging by my oh-so large viewership I can only imagine you want to) I will probably flop around more than a fish outta water. Gee, paw can we go down to this here waterin’ hole and find us some snails to poke at?...What just happened? I think I blacked out..Damn you brain operators, you’re doing this to me on purpose! Where was I? (Note to self: talking to the voices in my head does in fact make me look crazy) See I have the unique ability to be able to remember absolutely useless sports trivia, and even pop culture references that, while can be cool to impress people with (on the occasion), most times I come off sounding like rainman. That’s the only explanation I can have for when I string together an articulate sentence that has to do with said useless trivia facts and I get these looks like “wow, he can talk”, as if their head is going to explode from my vast knowledge of uselessness. Yes, dickbags, I have a brain, and I do (occasionally) use it. The same reaction comes from people when they see me reading a book. “William, you are actually reading a book! Does it have pictures in it?”, “Do you need help with the big words?”, and “you’re finished! Good job!(that’s what she said)” Well that was when I was in the children’s section of the gburg public library…don’t judge me. You wanna know who scored the winning run in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series? Ray Knight. You wanna know who scored to tie it up? Kevin Mitchell . You wanna know who scored before that? Gary Carter. The only walk off home run to win a world series? Bill Mazeroski. Ralph Branca threw the pitch to Bobby Thomson in the shot heard round the world. Wanna know who’s been seen out with Gerald Butler? Jennifer Aniston. You wanna know who the president is in Poland? GOTYERASS there ain’t one! whooow the south will risssseeee again. Maybe I should just move south. They’ll be impressed by these useless facts I spew out, fuck I’ll be mayor or senator in no time. “This boy here, he can read! And Write!” You see, I’m convinced that the more I learn, the more that gets left behind. Sorta like that episode of Married with Children when Al attempts to teach Kelly useless trivia facts to win a game show- the more she learns, the more her brain has to throw out to make room for the newest information. (obscure pop culture reference: check) I also just compared myself to Kelly Bundy…I need a concussion immediately…